John McCain Stands Up for Dirty Jokes

First they came for your guns. Now they’re coming for your dirty jokes. Or so thinks John McCain. The Arizona senator took a stand for sex jokes, valentines, and masculine pronouns in a letter to Attorney General Eric Holder last week.

The perceived threat to such communications came from a set of campus sexual-assault policy reforms prescribed by the Departments of Education and Justice last month. It was written in response to a string of mishandled sexual assault cases at the University of Montana and designed as a blueprint for other rape-ridden campuses. For reporting purposes, the agreement defined sexual harassment as “any unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature,” an expansion from the separate, legal standard for sexual harassment under Title IX: harassment “so severe, pervasive, and objectively offensive that it effectively bars the victim’s access to an educational opportunity or benefit.” Conservative pundits and, apparently, McCain believe the new definition will impinge upon students’ free speech and, in a Tarantonion turn of phrase, “de-eroticize the university.”

But, as ThinkProgress explains, the Education Department’s Office of Civil Rights has said over and over that the new definition will not govern the enforcement of sexual harassment policies. It's just to prevent students from being discouraged from reporting sexual harassment or assault, something we know happens all the time, and not just out of a totally rational fear of retaliation. Then let the universities decide whether it constitutes a hostile environment or not. 

Until that idea makes it into McCain’s skull, he is worried the expanded definition could mean that all kinds of banal encounters will qualify as sexual harassment. As outlined in his letter to Holder:

You hear that, girls who hate it when guys ask them out on dates? McCain’s got his eye on you.

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The Best Sex Jokes on Inside Amy Schumer, Season One

The first season of Inside Amy Schumer exploded onto Comedy Central — it was the highest-rated series premiere for the year — and ended Tuesday night with a bang. To be precise, an inadequate three-way bang. Like Amy, we're left wanting more. More clown sluts; more vagina gym classes; more ludicrous lines like this: "This [dildo] makes my eyes pop out of my head and become my vagina." So while we wait for season two in 2014, here's a roundup of the best sex jokes Schumer has delivered so far. Satisfyingly, might we add.

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A History of Hillary Clinton Making Pantsuit Jokes

Clinton joking about pantsuits, probably.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. That's how Hillary Clinton has handled Barack Obama, and it's how she's dealt with jokes about her pantsuits. "I am going to be pitching Andy and others on a new show for Bravo, to fill that gap that is so apparent to some of us," Clinton quipped at last night's CFDA Awards. "All you really need is a small but passionate audience to be successful. We could call it Project Pantsuit."

Yeaaah, hilarious. The truth is that the "Clinton wears a lot of pantsuits!" joke was beaten to death a long time ago, and Clinton herself is partly responsible. Herewith, a reasonably thorough history of Hillary Clinton making pantsuit jokes. 

November 7, 2000: "We started this great effort on a sunny July morning in Pinder’s Corner on Pat and Liz Moynihan’s beautiful farm. And 62 counties, sixteen months, three debates, two opponents, and six black pantsuits later, because of you, here we are." —Clinton's Senate victory speech.

November 15, 2007: "This pantsuit: It's asbestos tonight." —Clinton at a Democratic presidential primary debate in Las Vegas.

August 30, 2007: "One more pantsuit joke and Letterman disappears.” —Clinton delivering a Top 10 List of campaign promises on the Late Show With David Letterman, whose host makes frequent pantsuit jokes.

February 4, 2008: "In my White House, we'll know who wears the pantsuits.'' —Clinton on the Late Show With David Letterman. 

May 5, 2008: "Thanks to the Internet, I can order new pantsuits 24/7. There's your pantsuit joke, Dave. Are you happy now?" —Clinton doing the Top 10 reasons she loves America on the Late Show With David Letterman.

May 11, 2008: "It’s not over until the lady in the pantsuit says it is." —Clinton, recounting a message she got from a supporter.

August 26, 2008: "To my supporters, to my champions — to my sisterhood of the traveling pantsuits — from the bottom of my heart: Thank you." —Clinton speaking at the Democratic National Convention.

November 10, 2008: "I’m grateful to Glamour because they liked my pantsuits, and that was one of the highlights of my presidential campaign." —Clinton at Glamour's Women of the Year awards.

June 21, 2012: "Mike, I was in a real dilemma. I have pantsuits in nearly every color – except purple." —Clinton at the swearing-in of Assistant Secretary for Public Affairs Michael Hammer (whose favorite color is purple).

December 1, 2012: "There I was, being gracious, the hostess of the evening, and Dave and his beautiful wife, Regina, came through. And I greeted her and said how happy we were to have her, and greeted Dave and then said, 'Look, Dave, I took my pants off for you.' And Dave without missing a beat said, 'I don’t think you meant to say that.'" —Clinton speaking at the 35th Annual Kennedy Center Honors.

April 5, 2013: "I'm just glad she didn't do a movie called The Devil Wears Pantsuits!" —Clinton on Meryl Streep at the Women in the World Summit.

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Twitter CEO Dick Costolo Cracks Jokes During Commencement Speech

By Brian Anthony Hernandez2013-05-05 19:55:42 UTC

"When I was your age we didn't have the Internet in our pants," Twitter CEO Dick Costolo joked, flaunting his phone, at his University of Michigan commencement speech. "We didn't even have the Internet not in our pants — that's how bad it was."

That was among Costolo's lines that incited UM's 2013 graduating class to break out in laughter Saturday at Michigan Stadium. Costolo, a graduate of UM who pursued comedy after earning his bachelor's degree for computer science in 1985, started his speech by tweeting a photo of the crowd and ended it saying, "hashtag go blue!"

Commencement @umich My view twitter.com/dickc/status/3…

— dick costolo (@dickc) May 4, 2013

Apart from the jokes and anticipated words of encouragement, Costolo mentioned Twitter's impact on the world, citing several momentous occasions for the social networking service that launched in 2006.

Costolo said he and early players at Twitter — such as co-founder Jack Dorsey — never planned on Barack Obama using Twitter to declare victory during the 2012 U.S. presidential election, or that Twitter would be a "great alternative communication platform if the mobile networks in Japan were spotty" after the earthquake and tsunami in 2011. Nor did they foresee Twitter being a tool to organize protests in Middle East countries amid the Arab Spring.

"Here's the amazing thing about what I've observed when I've witness all those things," Costolo said. "Not only can you not plan the impact you're going to have, you often won't recognize it even while you're having it."

Costolo is the latest in a line of tech luminaries to give commencement speeches, with some of the notable examples including Apple's Steve Jobs at Stanford in 2005, Google's Larry Page at the University of Michigan in 2009 and Foursquare's Dennis Crowley at the Syracuse School of Information Studies in 2011.

BONUS: 10 Inspiring Celebrity Commencement Speeches on YouTube

Image via Justin Sullivan, Getty Images

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Watch Obama and Conan O'Brien's Best Jokes From Nerd Prom

NowThis News 2013-04-28 17:33:30 UTC

Check out some of the highlights, including quips from President Obama and Conan O'Brien, from Saturday night's White House Correspondents' Dinner in Washington, D.C.

Photo via Pete Marovich-Pool/Getty Images

This article originally published at NowThis News here

Topics: Barack Obama, Conan O'Brien, Politics, U.S., US & World, Videos, White House correspondents dinner NowThis News is video news for the mobile and social generation. It’s news, but fun. Download the free app: nowth.is/downloadforiOS

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